It’s way too early for me to be awake this morning, especially when Easton’s still asleep, but I just needed to write something down. Today is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I’ve had a lot of thoughts recently about the little one we lost so early, but I’ve hardly been able to put them into words. Today I want to try. Both to honor that baby and the baby I’m lucky enough to carry right now.
It still feels kind of like a dream that I miscarried. I remember thinking I was pregnant and then getting a negative test that morning and feeling disappointed. I remember how excited and scared and emotional we felt when that night I took two more tests and got a yes! I remember the fear and heartbreak I felt when I bled off and on for the next two weeks before finally, it ended.
It was excruciatingly painful in every way. For all of the physical pain I felt, the emotional pain was greater. I can’t explain the hurt and grief I felt knowing I would never get to keep this little baby I’d only carried for a few weeks. And honestly, it felt so weird to grieve so intensely over something that was barely real to me in the first place.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I felt like I had lost so much in such a short time and nobody else could possibly understand it. With Easton my pregnancy had been relatively easy physically, but emotionally and mentally it was messy and complicated. So with this new baby it felt like a chance to get to do all of those fun things that I didn’t do with Easton. I wanted to get to do it all with Jake and to have that so in love, so excited, we’re having a new baby feeling. I felt robbed of that.
We went to the temple about a month and a half after to do sealings and as we knelt across from each other at the alter I sobbed. I cried for the toddler at home who wasn’t sealed to Jake & I, and I cried for the baby in heaven who was but who I’d never get to see, hold, or meet. And then I felt strangely at peace. Like things were taken care of and I didn’t have to worry.
I found out the next day that I was pregnant again. Finding out I was pregnant was exciting and also a little painful. The first several weeks were anxiety filled and I dreaded going to the bathroom because I was so afraid that I’d find blood. I prayed that the morning sickness would start so I’d know things were going okay. It felt weird to be so thrilled again after such a short window of grieving, but at the same time, I wanted this baby more than anything.
I’ll be 22 weeks this week. Despite a few issues, this little guy is so far perfectly healthy and growing strong. I love him a whole lot. I understand now that I can and should be excited for this new babe to come into our lives and our home regardless of loss. I’m not replacing the pregnancy I lost and it will not replace that child. I also understand that just because my pregnancy ended so early doesn’t mean that it was any less real or worth being upset over.
I think about the little one we never got to love on a lot. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering who he/she would be. But I also feel incredibly blessed and happy that we’ll have a new family member joining us next year.
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